Uno Blue
by Boardie
Summary: The Doctor and the Ponds find themselves on a holiday planet created by humans. But is it as new, shiny and plastic as it seems? Not technically a crossover, but you might recognise some of the dodgy characters in the bar...
1. Chapter 1

Once again, the sun had nearly set over the New Jersey desert, momentarily flushing its golden sand with a crimson glow before the grasp of the cool night set in. A weary emerald lizard scuttled under a rock, while a snake meandered along the desert floor, which was now engulfed with darkness. Eagles lingered in the starry sky, inconspicuous, save for when they glided past the moon and were briefly bathed in its eerie silver gleam. The chirping of cicadas continuously rang out in the darkness, and the desert had a feeling of inundating calm.

Slowly the sound of an oncoming train began to infringe the relative tranquillity, until it had become a cacophony of metal on metal, an unwelcome addition to the evening's soundscape. In roughly 140 years time, balding men with perhaps a little bit too much round the waist would have been fascinated to learn that the train in question was a John Bull locomotive, built by Robert Stephenson and Company, running between 1831 and 1866 and weighing 9000 kg.

However, even if he had known them, these snippets of knowledge would have been the last things on the mind of the figure tied to the tracks of the railway. In fact, as the bow tie donning silhouette struggled against his bonds in a frantic attempt to evade his impending death, there were only three things on his mind:  
Who was he, how could he escape, and why did he suddenly have an irrational longing for custard creams?


	2. Chapter 2

The loud horn of the train shook his thoughts straight again. This was it; maybe it was his time after all. With seconds left to live he gazed at the sun slowly setting behind a beautiful mesa. Although smaller than on most habitable planets, it was this sun he had grown the most familiar with. Just as he whispered his burning hot companion goodbye for the final time and a speeding cow-shover touched his left arm, the sun seemed to tick back upwards for a small bit. He looked to his side, the train was set back about fifty metres, still speeding towards him. Within seconds the locomotive rode up right towards his arm again, which had now suffered a slight bruise, and flicked fifty metres back on its track, like a broken record the train and the sun kept snapping roughly five seconds back in time. "A continuous timelapse, how very interesting," he thought, trying not to lose his sense of urgency as there was still no telling when the show would continue and his beloved sun would set over a gory mess.

A few miles further on the train track lay a typical, almost stereotypical Western village. Its most focal building, the town hall, had been the main attraction of the early pioneers as it featured a beautiful model diorama of the village's surroundings, including a fully functioning model train. Its controls seemed to be of outlandish quality. Though even this cutting edge technology seemed to have trouble with getting the tiny train past a strange doll tied to its track, the little locomotive kept bumping up against it.


	3. Chapter 3

A large brown lizard looked up in fright as a loud whirring began to resonate across the desert. The lizard flicked its eyes from side to side, looking for the source of the noise, and tasted the air once before scuttling away. The whirring grew steadily louder and louder, and slowly a large blue something became visible, fading in and out of existence. Finally, the whirring stopped as a blue police box materialised fully and settled itself comfortably in the red sand.

A woman's voice was audible within: "Well if you really loved that bloody fez so much you can buy another one!"

Footsteps sounded, getting louder, seemingly coming toward the door. "What do you mean, they won't have one? You don't even know where we are yet!"

The door swung open. A young woman's head appeared, long red hair swishing around it, glinting in the desert sun.

"Oh." said Amy, "Okay, maybe you won't find a fez here."

She stepped out of the TARDIS, her boots crunching on the sand. Rory followed, blinking in the sun. "I thought you said we weren't on earth?" he said.

The last person to leave the TARDIS swung the door shut behind him, locking it with a key around his neck. "You know me," he said, "I just push all the buttons and see where we end up."

"Where do you think we are?" said Amy. "When do you think we are?"

The Doctor scanned the horizon. "At a guess, I'd say..." his eyes caught a town in the distance. It consisted of a largish stone building, surrounded by clumps of townhouses and wooden shacks. "...I'd say, the Old West."

"A town!" exclaimed Amy. "What are you waiting for?" She grinned, and set off in a brisk, skipping-walk toward it. Rory followed her.

The Doctor, however, stayed standing by the TARDIS, a look of hard thinking written across his face. He looked at the sky and frowned. He looked at the ground and frowned. He reached down and pinched up a bit of sand, putting it in his mouth. He immediately spat it out again, spluttering a little and wiping the grit from his tongue.

"Something's not right." he said.


	4. Chapter 4

Frowning, the Doctor set off at a brisk trot to catch up with his companions.

-

"What, why not?" Rory exclaimed.

"I'm just not ready to settle down yet," Amy said in her pouty voice. "I mean, how can I? How can we? We're travelling in a _time machine_, Rory! Not exactly a good time or place to have a baby."

"Yeah, but –"

"But what?"

"I'd rather…" Rory's expression was one of defiance, but it soon faltered, and he looked away, defeated.

"Mr. Pond, _what_ do you notice about this place?" Said a voice to Rory's left. As he turned, the Doctor appeared on his right, sonicking a handful of sand. Amy giggled.

Rory did a full 360 to properly survey the landscape. "Uh… it's very dry?"

"Well obviously; it's a _desert._ Guess again," the Doctor retorted with his characteristic motor mouth.

"Er… It's…" He paused. "Hang on. If this is a desert, how come it's…" Rory glanced down at his vest, as Amy suddenly shivered, dressed as she was for Rio.

"…Not very warm?" The Doctor stopped, and turned around. "Exactly."

"But if this isn't really an Old West _desert_… then maybe this isn't really the Old West?" Amy pondered.

The Doctor turned around again, squinting at the sky.

"Let's hope that that's all it isn't. I'm not sure we're even on – " Suddenly, his eyes grew wide.

"There! See, look up there! See the sun, what's it doing? Does a sun normally do that? No it doesn't, HA! See, I _knew_ something wasn't right!"

Rory and Amy looked up at the sky, where the sun was setting… or trying to. It looked like someone kept hitting the rewind button; the sun kept moving back up into the sky, before trying to set again.

The Doctor looked back down at the ground with furrowed eyebrows. "Localised time loop, interesting…"


	5. Chapter 5

"We should probably... get moving?" mumbled Rory after having stood for five minutes whilst the Doctor precariously examined single grains of sand with his sonic screwdriver.

"Yeah, we should head over to that town over there!" Rory and the Doctor both simultaneously span around to see Amy stood atop a towering sand dune, pointing into the distance.

"A _town?_" questioned the Doctor as him and Rory began their ascent of the dune.

When they reached the top, they stood, squinting through the heat haze and light clouds of sand being dispersed by weak winds. Eventually the faint outline of what appeared to be a typical old western cattle town began to come into focus, almost too typical...

"Well, that might be a good start I guess!" said the Doctor in his usual excited tone, before adopting a brisk walking pace towards his target.

"Off we go again, head first into trouble," Rory mumbled again with a slight rolling of his eyes, as Amy already began skipping off after her bow-tied friend.

Some time later, and then some more, the brisk walking pace and joyous skipping of past was now long gone and all three of these slightly confused figures were now tiring dragging their feet through the sand. With heavy breaths, Amy proclaimed, "Don't you hate, how, sand... is so... bloody hard to walk in!"

"I think we should just stop by this tavern to wet our whistles a tad," chuckled Rory. The Doctor, searching for words, simply nodded in agreement and added, "That, did not look like a 90 minute walk to me..." he sputtered.

As they approached the tavern, the faint sounds of general bar noise began to sound clearer, complete with traditional honky-tonk piano background music, until the peace was interrupted with - "Rimmer you complete smeghead!"

Perplexed, the trio looked at each other before hurrying onwards towards the tavern. When they entered, they stumbled upon a scene they definitely did not expect to see in a typical wild western tavern. Three men stood at the bar, only they did not appear to be the typical kind of men you would see in such a scene. One was clad in what could only be described as "that dirty tattered leather jacket you wore to too many drunken nights out and got coated in mud when you fell down the embankment" and a torn pair of jeans, Another was smartly dressed in a reflective jumper and, oddly, had the letter H stuck to his forehead, and the third "man" wasn't a man, but instead was an android.

"Well this is interesting... who, are you?" asked the Doctor in a very confused voice towards the three strangers whom about-turned rather quickly. The leather clad man stepped forward, "Dave Lis-" before being rudely interrupted by his counterpart.

"Second Class technician Arnold Rimmer of the Red Dwarf, at your service sir, and whom might you be?"

The Doctor responded by flopping his psychic paper. "Ahhh, Space Planet Excavation eh? Well following Space Corps Directive 5796, I can confirm that this planet is free from any traces of unknown minerals!" At this point Amy and Rory had absolutely no idea what was going on, and so went to get a couple of drinks.

"Uh Sir, Space Corps Directive 5796? No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples?" questioned the Android.

"Shut it Kryten, you buckethead," retorted Rimmer.

The Doctor, thoroughly confused at this point decided to ask quite an important question. "Ummm, well. Our tracking systems were having a few troubles when we, uh, landed. Do you think you could possibly tell us where we are?"

The third man piped up, almost excitedly, "Dave Lister by the way, but yeah, this smeghole is the themed holiday planet Uno Blue, the universal recession has hit this place pretty hard and, well, the place isn't what it used to be... To be honest, we only stopped here because Cat wanted to see the John Woo the Fifth parade..."

"We're on a holiday planet? An actual holiday planet...? They actually DO holiday planets?" asked Amy, after she had refreshed herself with a number of pints of water.

"Well yes, Amy," said the Doctor, "Your people were bound to get bored with camping trips to the Lake District eventually!"

"I like camping trips," muttered Rory. Obviously.

"Listen," said Lister, "I'd love to stay for a chit chat and everything, but I've got a vindaloo and a lager waiting for me back on the ship so, you know, best be off..." He turned to his two companions. "Come on, we should probably go see if Cat has gotten into smeg trying to steal fish from that butchers again." With which, they left, leaving the Doctor, Amy and Rory sat on a rickety table pondering what to do next.

"So..." announced the Doctor, looking back up to the sun which had altered its path, but was still stuck in a continuous time loop, "A holiday planet, a wild western themed country on a holiday planet... debt... and someone is messing around with time..."

"No chance of a little longer for a rest then?" sighed Rory.

"Rory, my friend. You should know by now, there is no time for resting!" exclaimed the Doctor with a cheeky grin and a tap on the head with his Sonic Screwdriver.


	6. Chapter 6

The Doctor headed towards the centre of the bar. It was a sorry looking piece of furniture, covered in dust and plagued by long splits in the wood. He wondered how anybody could bear to drink anything served over it, especially given humanity's obsession with cleanliness. Fixed to the front of the bar was a wagon wheel that had also seen better days. The Doctor swept the sonic screwdriver over the wheel. It wasn't for any particular reason other than to show off.

"Now that's just cheating," he muttered. Behind him Amy and Rory looked over his shoulder, straining their necks to see exactly what The Doctor was doing. "This is made out of plastic, now I'm really disappointed," he said, still not really addressing anyone directly.

"And plastic is bad…how?" asked Amy, causing The Doctor to jump a little. He had been so immersed in his exploration of the bar he had almost forgotten his companions were still there.

He decided to ignore Amy's question. "Shouldn't you two have wandered off by now?"

"There's a time loop…" said Rory

"I'm more of a fan of authenticity personally," The Doctor sighed, giving one last disapproving glance at the wagon wheel "and that's _localised_ time loop!"

Rory frowned at what he considered was an unnecessary correction "Yeah that. What happens if we get sucked into it?"

"Well I'm sure the two of you have noticed from our interactions just a moment ago that this tavern is apparently quite immune. Besides which, you can't get sucked into a localised time loop, it tends to be…localised," The Doctor trailed off, his eyes flicking left and right a few times. His companions waited patiently for him to continue his thought but he was already too distracted.

"Doctor!" hissed Amy after the silence dragged on beyond being comfortable.

The Doctor made tentative steps forward, stopping before an empty table. "Ponds," he turned to face his companions. "We're in a bar, bars have barmaids. I haven't seen a barmaid, have you?" he asked with a hint of urgency. "Also, take a look at the rest of the clientele,"

At a glance there was nothing unusual about the tavern's patrons. There were a few people in what passed as period costume; others were wearing civilian clothing or regulation uniform appropriate to their occupation. They were all laughing, debating or making polite conversation. In front of almost every person was a beverage. Indeed every conceivable beverage appeared to be available. Yet both Amy and Rory were instantly able to recognise the problem. Since the trio had entered the tavern, not one person had touched their drink.


	7. Chapter 7

The Doctor walked over to the nearest table not surrounded by chattering people, and attempted to pick up one of the bottles. To his surprise, not only was it completely empty of liquid, but it was not even hollow. And not only was it stuck to the table, but it was actually part of it; as if it had been produced in one big mould. He whipped out the sonic screwdriver again and buzzed up and down the surface of the table. He crouched down and buzzed the floor, jumped back up, flicked the screwdriver upright and gazed at it intently but briefly before turning back to the others.

"It's... _all_ plastic." His eyes flicked from Pond to Pond, a grin forming on his face.

"So?" Amy shook her head, crossed her arms and shrugged her shoulders all at the same time.

"It's all fake, somehow, it's as if it's... It's a model." The Doctor's grin grew wider. "Which means… we're in a model!"

"What the..." Rory span around several times, taking in the scene again, attempting to pick up a stool and finding it merged with the bar. "Woah. That is creepy. Wild West, localised time loop, sun being a sort of... sideways... yoyo..." – he mimed a yoyo-esque movement – "Okay... but this is just _creepy._ It's also weird because where… even… are we? Why make a holiday planet look like Earth, but all out of _plastic_? And also… I dunno if I mentioned this? But it's creepy."

The Doctor nodded slowly, looking straight over Rory's shoulder, preoccupied.

"But what about the people? I mean, why would people come here on holiday and have fake drinks? And what about those guys, they were..." Amy trailed off, eyes searching along the plastic bar for the three characters they had spoken to before. They had disappeared.

The Ponds then joined the Doctor in noticing that the bar was completely silent. Every person had stopped talking and was standing stock still, staring purposefully at them. A loud muffled sound above, and a long, high-pitched whine crackled through the air. The people began to walk slowly towards Rory, Amy and the Doctor.

"Erm, creepy!" Rory yelled.

"Yes it is, why don't we run?" The Doctor sprang backwards towards the door beside the bar, pulled it open, pushed both his companions through it before him and sonicked it locked behind them. They found themselves in a very small grey space, full of light, every plastic wall covered in cobwebs.

"So now we're stuck in a cupboard, surrounded by creepies." Amy stated.

"Shhh!" Rory cleared his throat, and then corrected her. "Plastic cupboard, angry, plastic creepies."

"Plastic..." The Doctor whispered, thinking quietly out loud. "But they can't be plastic. I've had enough of plastic." He smirked at Rory, and Amy stifled a giggle. "No but seriously, Autons? No, no, no. Robots?" He gestured thoughtfully with his hands and stared at them. "Human with a polycarbonate exoskeleton, no, no, that's light-years after holiday planets... must be droids... or maybe they're not synthetic at all, maybe it is just the bar that's fake, but... humans? Not humans? Shapeshifters? Impossible. Not again, anyway. That just would _not_ be fair. I'd need to listen to see if they have wind problems to narrow it down, and I hate doing that..."

"Yeah, never mind all that, Doctor! What are we going to do?"


	8. Chapter 8

"Rory Pond..." The Doctor continued. "There are some things you still haven't learned over 2000 years. Not that I blame you, plastic brain and everything, but still!" The Time Lord shuffled within the cupboard towards his newly wed companion. "Here are some things you really ought to know about me. One, you keep interrupting my trail of thought, and I really, really, like my trail of thought. Two, anything I ever say has relevance in one way or another to the solution of any problem. And three, I'm wearing blue, bad things never happen when I'm in blue." He tapped Rory's cheek with a grin, turning towards the door plastic door handle.

Amy, who was presently studying the interior of the cupboard, merely submitted to what The Doctor was planning. "You're doing it again aren't you..."

"Yes but it's nothing I haven't expected of you in the past."

"It'll fail one day, you know that right?"

"Yeah, need to tell you about that some time, now listen, the TARDIS can pinpoint our exact location, and seeing as I'm turning senile in my old age it'll probably have a better idea of where we are than I did. Rory, if you bump into any of these things when you get out of here try and reason with them first."

"Reason with them?" Amy enquired.

"Yes, you see Rory will have a far better idea about how they feel than you do Mrs. Pond. Now remember, TARDIS, location, save me from plasticy, silicon- like... things."

Rory butted in again, clearly concerned with the possibilities this plan entailed. "And what about if they capture you?"

"I'm wearing blue, remember?"

The Doctor unlocked the door with a blast of his sonic screwdriver and leapt up with a shout. "LOOK AT ME I'M A TARGET!"

Pushing through the mass of bodies he rushed through the doorway and into the street beyond, focused on their 'target' the creatures turned and followed, leaving the newly wed Ponds alone in the bar.

Mr. Pond, who had started to look more closely at the environment he was in, thought back to part of the conversation he had just taken part in. "Amy, you know when The Doctor said he had asked that of you before?"

"Yeah, you were a Roman, it's a part of your life you should really blank out, chest armour isn't really you"

"No... no not that. The whole 'TARGET' thing. Did you look as goofy as he just did?"


	9. Chapter 9

As the Doctor ran from the bar, the wave of sinister punters picked up speed behind him. "If they can move that quickly, then at least they aren't zombies," he mused while fleeing along the dusty streets. "But then again, I have seen some odd zombies…"

In spite of the dangerous situation, he couldn't help but take note of how none of the buildings looks inhabited: all shops were closed and all curtains drawn. Some even looked like they weren't real houses at all; as if the details were facades painted onto a flat surface.

But the Doctor had no time to deduce anything useful from this. Instead, he focused on escaping the creatures chasing him, in a less than dignified manner. Flailing wildly, he turned a corner and spotted a shop front where there appeared to be some kind of activity. Around the windows were bright colours, not in keeping with the rest of the town. The only other detail he had time to notice before running in was the sign above the door: TOYMAKER.

Upon entering the shop, the Doctor saw a squat woman with a beehive haircut standing behind the counter, slowly winding a music box and peering at him with narrow eyes.

"Hello!" the Doctor said cheerfully, even waving a hand in greeting. The woman did not respond, and simply continued to wind the music box.

The Doctor gave the woman a suspicious glance before looking around the shop. There was a variety of bright wind-up toys, more music boxes, dollhouses and, in particular, small model railways. On one wall was a colourful cuckoo clock, its ticking mingling with the cacophony of sounds coming from the toys.

He approached the counter slowly and spoke again: "Is there anything you can tell me about this town?"

Again, the woman said nothing.

"Only, I've just been in the local bar and couldn't help but notice how everyone seemed a bit… _creepy_."

Still no answer.

"And then they chased me out of the bar and followed me down the street." He paused and looked out through the shop windows. "It looks like I got away from them. Aaaanyway, do you know anything about _why_ they're like that?"

He moved closer still and leaned forward over the counter, producing his sonic screwdriver. "Could it be," he said slowly, looking at her eyes, her mouth, her astounding hair, "that you're one of them?"

Before he could inspect the woman with the sonic screwdriver, she stopped winding the music box. She walked around the counter, the music now tinkling in the background and stopped in front of the Doctor, glaring up at him.

"Go away," she said. "You aren't wanted here."

"Now now," the Doctor replied. "You can't possibly expect to make a good first impression with such terrible manners. At least the people in the bar had the courtesy to say nothing at all for the most part—"

"Go away."

The Doctor stared at her again, looking for any trace of the unnatural or the supernatural. "Or the supersupernatural…" he mumbled aloud. Seeing no obvious signs of a threat, he straightened up, turned around and walked towards the exit. Before leaving, he added, "I might be back for that cuckoo clock. Cuckoo clocks are cool."

When she was sure that the Doctor was no longer anywhere near, the squat woman with the beehive haircut went back behind the counter and picked up the music box, putting it to one side. Underneath was a playing card, which she also picked up and examined. It was very rigid and featured an image of a mechanical joker. With a smile, she turned to the wall, where there was a hatch with a tiny keyhole. She touched the keyhole with the card.

The hatch opened and the woman stood on her tiptoes to speak. "That man… was that him?"

"Yes," replied an aged male voice. "I wonder if he will return for the clock."

At that moment, the cuckoo clock missed a tick, and the minute hand moved anti-clockwise slightly, before continuing as normal.


	10. Chapter 10

Meanwhile, the Ponds pondered ponderously about the peril they would be facing if they did not capitalise on the Doctor's spectacularly inelegant diversion.

"We should probably hide. Run then hide. Run first," said Rory, his concern for Amy's safety being perceived as cowardice. Unfortunately for Rory it was Amy doing the perceiving, so he didn't gain any man points this time.

"Ah, you great pansy, what's there to worry about?" Amy said. "Didn't you hear the bloke from Robot Wars? This is a holiday planet. The plastic zombies are probably the alien version of a pub band. And they're gone for now anyway."

"For now at least... And anyway, pub bands aren't normally quite so... grabby. I've never hidden in a cupboard from a pub band before." Amy raised her eyebrows at this, but Rory happened to have something else on his mind. "You just said 'that bloke from Robot Wars'," Rory said.

"Yes," Amy replied, "why?"

"Well, he said his name was Lister, and I think that's a character in some TV show." Rory never had much time for science fiction after having spent swathes of his childhood reluctantly being a time traveller.

"Red Dwarf!" Amy exclaimed. "It's been on the tip of my tongue for ages..."

"Yeah," Rory said dismissively, "I just thought it was, y'know, weird. They looked the same and everything." Amy contemplated what Rory had said for a while before noticing something moving behind the bar. It turned out to be a someone instead.

"Rory!" hissed Amy.

"What?" Rory whispered back for the same strange reason all other humans seem to when someone whispers to them.

"There's someone at the bar." Rory turned slowly to face the figure. The barman had his back to them and seemed to be polishing glasses and moving bottles. Strangely, however, there was no sound at all in the bar. "We need to do something," Amy whispered once more. "I've got an idea." She gathered an alarmingly large lungful of air and was about to do something that would certainly make Rory scarper like an antelope when the figure broke the silence.

"No need to shout miss, I can hear jus' fine," said the barman in a terrible, but strangely recognisable American accent.

"Doctor?" questioned Amy.

"Oh," said the Doctor disappointedly. "That was quick. I thought the accent would throw you off..." The Doctor turned around to face the Ponds and was wearing a Fu Manchu moustache of equal ridiculousness to the accent.

"Nice moustache," Amy giggled.

"I wear it well," The Doctor simply replied.

Rory got straight to the point though. "How can you be here? You just left."

"Very good question Rory," said the Doctor. Rory puffed his chest a little in rare pride, "a very good question indeed if it wasn't quite so wrong." Rory noticeably deflated. "You see, I'm not actually here. I'm out there. And I'm not as well. I'm where I am now, which is not where you are."

All three of them looked slightly perplexed by this answer.

"I'll try again. I'm a hologram from the future. The chameleon circuit on the hologram generator still works and it selects a disguise fitting to the environment." Amy raised an eyebrow at this dubious assertion. "Well, it may not be completely working," the Doctor said. "Anyway, the only way we escape this is by me telling you to tell me something very important."

"Well? What is it?" asked Amy, impatient as ever. "And what is this place we are in anyway?"

"You, I mean we, are in a television, where the programs are real; the universe of fiction," the Doctor explained.

"Really?" said Rory, surprised by Amy's lack of surprise at this revelation.

"Of course not, that would be ridiculous," The Doctor said. Rory deflated a little more at this point. "I can't actually say where this is, part of the escape is you figuring it out."

"Well, it's a desert," said Rory.

"No it isn't," said the Doctor, "It's hot and sandy and wibbly and wobbly."

"That's a desert."

"What?"

"You just described a desert."

"No need to worry about that now, just remember to tell me 'the joker is the key'," the Doctor cryptically instructed.

"Hang on," Amy ordered, "How do you know that if you're from the future and we have to tell you in the past?"

"Because you tell me," he answered as if she had just asked what colour red is.

"Isn't that a paradox?" Amy said reasonably.

"Hi, I'm the Doctor, I don't think we've met. Have you been in my box? It's ever so clever," said the Doctor with a roll of his eyes and a raise of his eyebrows.

Even Rory sniggered at the effect this had on his moustache.

"Alright, I was just asking, Mister Sarcastic," Amy responded with characteristic sass. "So what was it? Batman doesn't have a knee?" said Amy with a scoff and a turn.

"No. What does that even mean? It's 'the joker is the key'. I won't know what it means, just tell me I told you it was - no, _is_ - important."

"And will you believe yourself?" Amy sniggered.

"Alright Muttley, and yes, probably. I might not though. I tend to find myself difficult to get on with," The Doctor stated quite truthfully. "Anyway, this is getting quite expensive so I must wrap it up."

"What, running out of credit?" Rory smirked.

"What? And don't smirk, you look ridiculous," said the Doctor.

"Says the Mexican geography teacher..." Amy said to Rory. He smiled when he realised Amy sticking up for him.

"Right, I heard that, I'm off. Have a nice holiday," said the Doctor just before vanishing.

Amy and Rory looked slightly bemusedly at each other before he said, "So the Doctor has seen Wacky Races but hasn't heard of Batman or pay-as-you-go mobile phones?"

"Apparently so," said Amy.

"Seems like a strange knowledge of pop culture."

"From an alien in a bow tie it almost makes sense," Amy conceded. Rory could find no argument with that and just shrugged. The sounds of plastic and sand were heading their way. "Now might be a good time to run," Amy said to Rory.

"I've been waiting for you to say that since Venice," said a relieved Rory.

"'The joker is the key', 'the joker is the key'," Amy muttered to herself as they ran out of the side door and away from the bar.


	11. Chapter 11

Back in the middle of the town, the Doctor was beginning to wonder where on Earth (or wherever it was they were) the Ponds had got to with his TARDIS.

"Rory's probably fallen in some quicksand," he thought to himself.

Rounding a corner, he spotted two of the locals. Clearly they were looking for him. One's head was moving to and fro and the other one was examining under the porch of one of the houses. He needed to get a hold of one of these creatures. He needed to know what they were for certain. Maybe then he could find out where it was that they were. If he knew that, then odds were they could get away.

"Plus," he added "I can't return to those two not knowing anything more. That would be most uncool."

With his sonic screwdriver in hand, he snuck towards his two unsuspecting stalkers. Once he was within a few feet, he zapped the local who was standing, causing him to seize up before finally collapsing onto his front. His companion was soon similarly disabled before he could even get his head out from under the house.

Hauling the first one over onto his back, he soon began scanning up and down its body.

"That's _most_ peculiar," he said out loud to himself.

This time he was more intense with his investigations. He hadn't been scanning for more than 10 seconds when a high pitched hiss began to emanate from whatever it was he was scanning.

The creatures chest split straight down the middle and separated, causing the Doctor to leap back in surprise. Gazing into the chest of what lay before him, he couldn't help but be taken aback.

"Oh my! Oh well this is Christmas!"

Turning from his discovery, he ran off back towards the tavern...


	12. Chapter 12

He burst through the tavern's door, and would've ended up at the other end if it weren't for three large figures knocking him back while entering.

"Yep, it's him," growled the middle one after the Doctor landed on the floor with a smack.

"Right!" he panted, "And you are?" as he gazed at to the three big brutish, almost stereotypical looking cowboys.

"We are none of your business," snapped the right one back.

"Good!" the Doctor cheerfully responded. "I have somewhere to go."

He got up and walked right into three beautifully designed revolvers poking in his chest. "You, however, have just made yourself our business," continued the right one.

"Three guns, two hearts," thought the Doctor. "Better not take any chances here."

The left one grabbed a rope from his belt, walked around the Doctor and tied his hands to his back.

"Argh, you know, you really don't need to tie it up so tight, is that how people treat their 'busin-"

A fist colliding with his face, knocking him out, stopped the Doctor from finishing his sentence.

"Urgh..." The Doctor woke up with a coppery taste of blood in his mouth. Like a freshly poached animal he was lying bent over one of the cowboy's horses, galloping across the mesa. "This is far from good," he thought. Far from where he needed to be as well. Where the hell were they taking him?

"Oi! Where's this all going..."

For the second time this day his words were interrupted, this time by the heel of a spurred boot kicking back. "Stop talking stranger!" the owner of the boot yelled at his cargo. "Look ahead and you'll see what we do with people too curious for their own good!' The Doctor peered ahead, despite the sweat, dust and the rocking horse he could see they were riding towards a cliff wall. Underneath this impressive rock formation there were, what it seemed like, a whole group of gallows.

The horses halted and the cowboys got off. "Why would you guys go through all this effort to hang me here?" yelled the Doctor. This didn't make sense. "Heh, suppose we can tell you, it's not like this rat is going to tell anyone," laughed the biggest of the three. One of his comrades started to prepare the Doctor for his execution. "We can't use people sniffing around, we used to finish off anyone getting too curious in town right there for anyone to see. Shoot outs, deadly pub brawls, the tourists loved it as they all thought it was part of the show."

The Doctor stared at the three in horror as the rope was thrown around his neck. "I guess we offed one too many of them tourists, as the planet's agency put a ban on all lethal activities within townships," the big one sighed in nostalgia. "Look at this, these guns are hi-tech, they record the data of everything we do with it! We can't shoot anyone within the towns or we'll be electrified! Things just ain't as they used to be!"

"Wait..." the Doctor responded as the rope around his neck was being adjusted.

"Oh well," said the big cowboy with a grin on his face, "the hangings make up for it. Any last wishes? We've got some very good whiskey," he almost sounded considerate. "No? Well then there ya go." He pulled a lever and the platform below the Doctor's feet gave way.

The Doctor expected the rope tighten around his neck, hopefully snapping it to prevent a long struggle for air. Instead he fell through the floor smacking on the ground, he lost count of the hard landings that day. From underneath the platform he heard screams and gunfire. He struggled to get himself standing and peered out of the hole in the platform. One cowboy was lying face first in front of him, with a strange looking arrow stuck in his neck. The two others were hiding behind a rock, firing at strange purple looking figures shooting arrows their way.

"No way," he thought. "Alien Indians. Alians… Indiens? No, Inliens!"

Suddenly he felt a cold hand grabbing his arm. He turned around and stared right in the face of another 'Inlien'. "Sssh, with us you come!"


	13. Chapter 13

Without dawdling, Amy and Rory exited and ran from the tavern with all due haste. Then they doubled back and ran in the other direction, as several locals on six-legged horseback started galloping in their direction.

Doubling around a corner to avoid being trampled, the Ponds leaned against the building's wall, panting.

"We've got to find _our_ Doctor and tell him what just happened!" Rory said between gasps.

"What do you mean, _our_ Doctor?" Amy replied, also breathing heavily. "How many Doctors do you think there are here?"

"Yeah, well, you know what I mean," Rory said rolling his eyes. "The non-hologram one. Since when are holograms not transparent?"

Amy raised her eyebrows.

"Oh right, No-Batman Man."

They paused for another moment, when without warning, several gunshots went off in the distance.

"D'you reckon that's him?" Rory ask, his head perking up like a gopher's.

"Yep."

They got up and ran off in the direction of the gunfire, completely oblivious to the fact that the Doctor had passed that same corner not fifteen minutes ago, and somehow completely oblivious to the fact that the two 'locals' the Doctor had previously disabled were twitching, the dissected one's chest gap dilating erratically.

Had the Ponds actually stopped to peek inside the Town Hall as they ran past it, they would have noticed several things. First, that there was a model train set on display, and it was stuck. Second, that it most certainly did not belong in the town hall, because the town hall did not look like a town hall at all. And third, that it was bigger on the inside...


	14. Chapter 14

Elsewhere, the sun shone brightly through a cloudless sky, while a small desert rat nimbly began its ascent up to a flocculent peak – namely, the head of a man who had long since given up struggling against his bonds, a man with a sandy bow tie: a man with a craving for Custard Creams. It was his irrational craving that helped him to persevere through the growing numbness in his left arm, coupled with the peculiar faint sensation one gets after losing a lot of blood. A normal man would have craved water in this situation, and wished for his mother – but this was far from a normal man (if indeed he even was one), and his mother was... complicated. He didn't know how long he had been secured to the track, but he did know that if the sun had absconded the effects of the time loop, it wouldn't be long until the train repetitively knocking against him did too. His watchful blue eyes slowly scanned his surroundings, while his brilliant mind prayed for a Deus Ex Machina.

The Ponds paced through the streets towards the sound of the gunfire, eager to reconvene with The Doctor and decipher the mystery behind their strange environment. They arrived at a shadowy doorway, which appeared to contain the source of the apparent trouble. Silently, Amy signalled with her fingers, three, two, one: The Ponds bumped into each other as they attempted to creep into the building, their limbs becoming entangled as they tumbled down a flight of stairs.

"Ouch", groaned Rory, expecting to look up into the face of an angry cowboy. In a way, he did – but this was a cowboy on the silver screen, in what appeared to be a scene from a 60's Western film, and also appeared to be the source of the gunfire – right now the projected figures were in the middle of a full on overblown battle. Rory twisted round and confirmed his suspicions; they were in a cinema, though strangely enough, one seemingly from their own time period.

Before he had time to mull the irregularity over, a voice from beneath him complained, "Are you going to get off me any time soon?"

After checking for broken limbs, The Ponds briefly examined the cinema before making a hasty exit (the sound was deafening) and stumbled out into the daylight. Rory, first out of the door, was greeted with the muzzle of a worn out revolver pointing directly at his head.

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us," snarled a cowboy that Rory could have sworn he had seen in the film.

"Have you tried Bognor Regis?" asked Rory. "It's got a lovely little tearoom, and a gift –"

Just at that moment, Amy shoved Rory down on to the dusty ground as a fist smacked into the wall obscured just moments earlier by his head.

"Run!" Amy yelled, as Rory scrambled to his feet and followed his wife (that was still taking some getting used to) away from their aggressor. They powered through the streets, not noticing that they weren't being pursued, nor that they had ran into open desert. Finally, as they stopped to catch their breath, the duo took stock of their surroundings.

"Is that a train?" Amy frowned.


	15. Chapter 15

The Doctor, meanwhile, had been led to a small cave, far from the outskirts of town. As he drew closer he noticed the Inliens were following a barely visable path, presumably worn in by the six hooves of the horses they were now riding. As they drew closer still, smaller paths linked on, reminiscent of a river system, with each path branching from the main path. The cave gave off a deep orange light, whether it was the light of the fire or not the doctor was unsure, as the sun was now beginning to set on the horizon.

"But how?" he said aloud.

One of the closer Inliens noticed his bemusement. "The sun be like this for long time now, setting yet no setting. You watch long time and it go back some"

"Three steps forwards and two steps back... that's… odd."

"Odd?"

"I've seen this, before, time repeating itself. But this is different, not as strong..."

The convoy had reached the cave entrance; natives passing in and out seemed intrigued by their new guest. Several of the natives were gathered around a large fire, whilst discussions between the cave's residents intermingled and echoed around the cavernous space. Small etchings decorated the walls of the cave, at any other time the Doctor would have been interested in them, but right now his thoughts had turned to a single one of the humanoid race. Placed beside the fire, with a primitive bandage wrapped tightly around her shoulder, the injured female looked upon the doctor with dazed eyes.

"Always an ulterior motive," the Time Lord muttered, crouching down beside her. He reached into his pocket and a number of nearby guards aimed towards him.

"It's okay, I don't mean to cause her any harm!" He draw the sonic screwdriver from within his largely-interiored pocket and gave a quick demonstration: "Look, just noise."

Scanning the injury methodically, it soon became clear that the cause of the injury wasn't accidental. A laser weapon, much like the one he himself was threatened with, had disintegrated the skin straight through her body. And it was spreading.

"I'm sorry, truly I am. But there's nothing I can do to help..."

The weary Inlien reached to him, pulling him in closer. "Then listen to me quick. Look at walls, carvings made before our time. Look well and take heed." Her voice trailed away, never to be used again. Her bright blue eyes rolled backwards into her head, and she breathed no more.

"She's gone. I was brought here too late."

One native, who had sat nearby since the Gallifreyan's arrival, stood abruptly.

"You were not brought to save. You were brought to see."

"She mentioned the cave walls. I needed to look at the cave walls."

The Doctor grabbed a large branch from near the fire and used it as a makeshift torch. Passing along the etchings showed the history of the town. How the Inliens had lived in peace, the ships coming from beyond the stars. A town being built. The sun, moving backwards in the sky. And then an object all too familiar.

"The TARDIS!"

"We know not what this box be."

"It's my ship, it's how I got here to your planet and if you know where it is you must tell me!"

The Inlien let the Doctor deeper into the cave, beyond the fires stood an all too familiar blue box, and yet something was very, very wrong.

"You seem troubled. This your box yes?"

"Oh it's certainly mine, but, oh this can't be, I never visited here before, never even entered this star system, this box can't be here!"

Rushing to the door he entered the key into the lock, with a twist and click the door came unlocked, pushing into the TARDIS confirmed all of the Doctor's worst fears.

"This is my TARDIS alright... but not from this part of my time-line!"


	16. Chapter 16

The Doctor paced back and forth across the tunnel in front of the TARDIS, muttering to himself and totally ignoring the Inlien who was clearly waiting for him to say more. After some time, he stopped pacing and produced his sonic screwdriver. He looked from the sonic screwdriver to the TARDIS and back again, deep in thought.

Finally, he held the sonic screwdriver aloft with a triumphant "Aha!"

The Inlien stared as the Doctor turned to him briefly and said, "Just you watch this. Everything should become clear very, very soon."

The Doctor then walked closer to the TARDIS and began to sonic it. The Inlien opened his mouth to ask about the screwdriver's whirring sound, but the Doctor – who wasn't even looking his way – silenced him with a raised hand.

And at that point, the sonic screwdriver fell silent too. The Doctor frowned and shook it. He squeezed it, he held it to his ear, he shook it some more, he pointed it around the tunnel, he prodded the TARDIS with it, and he even tasted it momentarily.

"Well, that's just brilliant."

"What wrong?" the Inlien ventured.

"It would seem that my sonic screwdriver has stopped working. And that's not something that usually happens, especially if I'm pointing it at my own TARDIS. Therefore…" he continued, slipping the now useless sonic screwdriver into his jacket pocket, "I must have made this happen. Somewhere in the depths of time and space, there is a me that made his – my – er… the TARDIS… sonicproof."

"I not understand."

"I not sure I understand all that well myself…" the Doctor responded, frowning vigorously at the TARDIS. 

*

Elsewhere, the Ponds stood in the desert, watching the train trundling along, just near enough to make out that it looked like an old steam train.

"Why would they need a train here?" Amy mused. "There are hardly any people – normal people anyway – in the town, and all the shops are closed, so they wouldn't be getting any deliveries. And that's a _long_ train for a few passengers."

"It doesn't really make sense…" Rory agreed, not making any great effort to make sense of it anyway.

"Maybe it has something to do with the weird people, like the ones in the bar and that cowboy who you gave tourist advice to."

Rory shuddered at the thought of an entire train's worth of sinister villagers and psychotic cowboys. Pushing that out of his mind, a new idea struck him. "Do you think the Doctor could be on the train?"

"Well, there's only one way to find out!"

As Amy walked confidently in the direction of the train, Rory began to wish he'd kept his thoughts to himself.


	17. Chapter 17

The two surviving stereotypical cowboys that stereotypically kidnapped the Doctor only for him to atypically be rescued by Inliens, slowed their horses to a meandering, almost reluctant stop in front of the shop marked TOYMAKER. The cowboy who happened to stop last and end up nearest the door was unfortunately elected head of the duo, with the undesirable job of breaking the news of their failure.

The head cowboy opened the door and went up to the counter. "Let us in," said the cowboy, disguising his fear behind a stereotypical Western bravado. The woman behind the counter said nothing, but the thinly veiled sneer made up for it. She removed a different mechanical joker playing card from underneath a large toy soldier and held it up to the keyhole in the wall. This time the whole wall slid back to reveal a dark space. The woman stood back and the cowboys took this as their cue to go in.

Inside was a short, pitch black tunnel that the cowboys never managed to get used to. It always seemed longer or shorter than they remembered it. After an impossible to ascertain distance the cowboys turned a sharp right-angled turn to reveal a huge cavern in which they were seemingly the only occupants. Apart from the enormous gramophone in the middle.

"He escaped," said the lead cowboy abruptly. After a silence of what was officially considered 'too long' he continued. "The natives came an' rescued 'im. Killed one a my guys." After another pause a reply finally came.

"Your 'guys' are hardly of the greatest importance to me or the narrative." The reply seemed to emanate from the gramophone and came as a long, very low, very English drawl.

"You gunna punish us?" chipped in the second cowboy nervously, expecting the full wrath of their employer.

"It seems like a bit of a waste of resources," said the gramophone, subsequently laughing at its own joke. "And anyway, it wouldn't be a game without any opposition"

"What next?" the lead cowboy impatiently requested. He was here before this guy with all the money and whiskey, and he would be damned if he wasn't here after.

"Go down to the tracks and capture the companions. That should make the Doctor stand up. Well one of them anyway," chuckled the gramophone. The joke was greeted with silence from the cowboys. This infarction was duly noted.

The cowboys promptly turned to leave only to be faced with the shopkeeper as soon as they turned around. It took all of their cowboyly resolve to not schedule an appointment at the tailors out of fear and surprise when they were confronted with this stern, silent sight.

After the cowboys departed giddily, the woman finally spoke.

"I have located the space-time co-ordinates of the other Doctors. Should I bring them here?"

"No," replied the voice with a sound of disappointment, "the model is overstretched as it is. Two should be enough anyway. It would have been such fun though." If one were to have squinted (and eaten a lot of carrots), one could have seen the vague outline of a throne with a very small humanoid shape in the chair. Unfortunately one wasn't there, two were.

"Why are you still disguising your voice? I'm the only one here," questioned the shopkeeper, feeling slightly put out by this sudden lack of trust.

"You never know who's listening," replied the gramo-throne.

The shopkeeper shrugged and walked back towards the shop.

"They didn't laugh at my joke." The shopkeeper heard this and leadenly walked back to the chamber with a roll of her eyes.

"What?" she said impatiently.

"They didn't laugh. It was a joke and they didn't laugh. How can I have these humourless stereotypes representing me to the outside?"

"Your joke was too clever for them," the shopkeeper lied, "and besides, they don't deserve laughter after their performance."

"I suppose," pouted the gramo-throne.

"I'll send in some biscuits," sighed the shopkeeper.

"Thanks," the gramo-throne replied with a noticeable brightening of his absurdly obscured voice.  
The shopkeeper finally made her way back to the shop and silently lamented the petulance of the self titled 'most dangerous being in the universe'.


	18. Chapter 18

The train track bound figure squinted, attempting to scrutinize the immediate area, but was subjugated by the overpowering light being emitted from the almost light bulb - like sun. He was about to rest his head on the track in a definitive admittance of defeat, when he spotted what appeared to be a small but powerful fire in the distance. His newly found ardour overwhelmed his aversion to the sun, and he briefly observed that the fire was not in fact a fire, but two humanoid shapes moving purposefully towards him, before he was unconscious on the track once more.

"You can't accuse me of having a twisted idea of fun," interjected Amy, "You're the one who hit a little old lady over the head with a plank of wood."

"That's not a fair example – she was an evil little old lady, and anyway, that wasn't actually real."

Locked in a furious exchange of banter, Amy and Rory continued towards the train, too pre-occupied to notice that it was inelegantly shuffling backwards and forwards, nor the decrepit figure lying in its path. After ending their conversation on a sour note, Amy and Rory fell silent, feigning interest in anything but each other until Rory finally observed "the train is moving."

Amy looked up from her feet, and sure enough, about fifty metres away, the train was curiously moving backwards and forwards in an almost demented frenzy. It was then that she noticed the crumpled form just centimetres away from the front wheel, and before she knew it, Amy had grabbed Rory by the arm and was dragging him towards the tracks, an overwhelming sick feeling in her stomach as she prayed that it was not the Doctor sprawled out on the tracks.

The figure once again found himself conscious, and it took him a few moments to register that the two persons who he had observed in the distance were now just metres from him. "Ah, Jamie, Zoe," he remarked, "Would it be awfully rude of me to ask for a custard cream?"


	19. Chapter 19

"This isn't working," the Doctor sighed, annoyed with everything. "Also, sitting around in a bloody cave won't bring us any further, just look at you! What kind of Inliens live in a cave? You got a whole prairie to live your lives o..!"

A bright flash of pale blue light interrupted the Doctor's rant. The Inliens immediately turned towards the light, threw themselves on the ground and started chanting. A big glowing figure moved forwards towards the Doctor, hovering slightly above the ground. A droning voice reverberated inside the Doctor's head, "It is saddening that you, of all souls to walk this planet's surface show such little understanding of our fate."

The Doctor could only make out vague contours against the blinding light. "You should be looking inside at your past self, a noble man working hard to save our way of life," the voice went on in his head. "Y-You mean, my former regeneration? Why don't I remember any of this?"

"How the hell would I know?" The light shut down and an old hunched figure landed on the ground. "Don't worry man! We do this all the time with newcomers, you have no idea how much we get paid by the tourists."

The Doctor looked around bewildered, all the inliens were giggling at the prank they just pulled.

"Call me Zat'zul. I'm the head shaman of our tribe."

"But..."

"Yes, we know, our situation is dire indeed, we tried to get by on the tourism but it pains our hearts to betray our ancient way of life and humiliate ourselves for the entertainment of others," Zat'zul waved his hand at the cave etchings, which softly lit up as his hand came close. "Your former-self was trying to restore our tribe's integrity, but alas something went awry."

"What happened?"

"We do not have time to explain all, you will experience it after you forget."

"Ah right, back to mystical talk again eh?"

"Zat'zul laughed, "Ha! I couldn't help."

"Right...anyway, could you tell me what I was doing? I'm sure I can help now I'm gone."

"Of course, we will get back to where you left off."

"So what was I doing?"

"You were leading the charge in a violent raid on the town hall!" All the people in the room gathered around the etchings which started to hum and glow more brightly.

"WHAT? I did WHAT?" Before the Doctor could protest, Zat'zul touched a couple of symbols on the rocky wall and the entire group vanished in a flash of light, only to be reappearing in the centre of the town.

-

_Meanwhile inside the town hall, the voodoo doll on the diorama started to move and wiggle, while two new dolls laid right next to it._

"Jamie and who?" Rory remarked while Amy helped the man up.

"Shut up! Get up before that train hits us again!"

The doll now stood upright.

"Here it comes!"

The Doctor was standing, his hands and feet still bound. "No! No! You mustn't move me from my place!"

Amy tried to remove the ropes from his feet, which were still bound to the rails. "No! I can't get this loose!"

"The train!" Rory pushed Amy aside before it hit her. The trained bumped into the standing doll once more, knocking it over.

"Aaargh!" The ropes snapped and the Doctor was launched several metres through the air.

The doll fell of the mini-rails and the model train slowly started to make its way to the small town.

"Ugh." The Doctor landed in the red sand; the sun finally continued its course and started to set. Amy and Rory ran towards the Doctor.

"Are you alright?"

The Doctor checked his vital sense. "Marvellously, yes! I am."

"Good, good, then all is fine now."

"No, it's not. Not at all in fact. The train is loaded with a semi-nuclear bomb meant to blow up the town."

"Wh-at?" Amy and Rory looked aghast at the black smoke vanishing into the distance.


	20. Chapter 20

"We have to get to the TARDIS!" the stranger shouted, hurrying back along the tracks in the opposite direction to the train. Amy stood there dumbfounded.

"How do you know about the TARDIS?" she said.

"What do you mean, how do I know about the TARDIS? It's my TARDIS!" the stranger called back over his shoulder. Amy hesitated a moment, then hurried after him. Rory hurried after Amy.

"Who... are... you?" she puffed, struggling to catch up to him.

"I could ask you the same thing," he said. 

"What... how... where..." The Doctor spluttered.

"We're in the town," Zat'zul said.

"Well I see that... but... how... what... _why?_" The Doctor looked wildly around.

They were just outside the large stone town-hall, in a sort of shoddy town square, a patch of paved earth in the dust. The stone pavers felt hot under the Doctor's feet. Behind them was a disused train station, slowly falling apart.

"Why? Why?" Zat'zul thought for a moment. Then he shrugged. "I forget."  
-

Rory, Amy and the stranger reached a low cliff, and the stranger rushed in. Rory and Amy stopped at the mouth of the cave, looking on in astonishment. The walls of the cave were lined with amazing drawings, like a strange mix of prehistoric cave drawings on Earth, and crop circles. Smack bang in the middle of the cave was a TARDIS. It was exactly the same as the Doctor's, and yet... it was smaller, and a slightly different colour.

"How...?" Rory said.

The stranger, meanwhile, was digging around inside all his pockets, looking for a tiny silver key.

Amy looked at her watch, worried. "Won't the train have hit the town yet? It was going really fast."

"Don't worry." the stranger said, producing the elusive key in triumph. "It's an Elongated Time Field. Look behind you."

Amy looked around. "The town looks so close, and yet it took us forever to walk here. That train is going a million miles an hour and yet only inching along."

The stranger unlocked the door and disappeared into the TARDIS. "Are you coming or not?"  
-

A whirring began to sound. "That's... that's my TARDIS..." The Doctor resumed looking around wildly. "She sounds young."

The distinctive blue box slowly materialised, and spilling out of the doors came Amy and Rory. "Doctor!"

A third figure followed. "Yes?" he said.

"You!" The Doctor cried, startled.

"Me?" 

"Me!"

"You!"

"You-"

The Doctor was cut short by an loud rumbling, crunching, moving noise. Everyone looked around, to see the huge door of the town-hall slowly grinding open.

Ominous footsteps sounded, coming steadily, steadily closer...building to a climax...everyone was quivering with nervous anticipation... and then... the lady from the toy shop appeared, smoking and filing her nails disinterestedly. "Do you have an appointment?" she said.

"A what?" said at least three different voices.

"An appointment. If you have an appointment, you'll have a ticket. Do you have a ticket?"

"Oh, wait-" The stranger began to rummage wildly through his pockets again.

After a moment, he pulled out a battered card and held it in the air. The card was a playing card, an ugly, leering, joker.

"Right here."


	21. Chapter 21

The squat woman choked, her hand snatching the card from the stranger as her cigarette and nail file flew forgotten into the sand. The stranger took a step back as the woman's hands scrabbled desperately, shortly unveiling a small pistol hidden within the folds of her shawl. She jabbed the weapon frantically at the group, which had separated in its collective surprise. Coughing again, she clutched at her sweaty, purpling throat with one hand but the gun remained steady in the other, sweeping from the stranger, to Amy, to Rory, the Doctor, then back to the stranger. Her voice was strained in anger and it demanded of him, '_Where_ did you get that?' It grew higher in pitch. 'That is MINE! Tell me where you got this! TELL ME!'

The Doctor noticed that Zat'Zul had disappeared. He was really going to have to figure out where they got that teleport, as it wasn't usual for Inliens to have technology like that. Why did he recognised Zat'Zul's species, but not their planet? What was _happening_?

The bow-tied newcomer had clasped his hands behind his back and was rocking back on his heels. 'Ah, now, you see! That's what you were looking for, wasn't it madam? Now if you don't mind, anger will help nobody. Please excuse us, my friends and I have some business to attend to.'

'Why- Wait! Stop!' The Toymaker's voice was piercingly high now. 'I will_ shoot_!' She lunged for the stranger, arms swinging wildly. She aimed and fired as the stranger sprang away. The gun missed its target; the bullet kicking up a flurry of dust as it landed inches behind the stranger, who was now scampering in a beeline toward the TARDIS doors.

'Come on!' He called to the others as he dived through the doors of the impossible box. All followed; the doors closing swiftly on the shiny, purple face of the woman, which now wore an expression of an amusing mixture of astonishment and fury.

Inside, Amy and Rory looked around in awe. This was… different.

'Is he _you_?' Amy asked the Doctor, instantly guessing the stranger's identity correctly.

'Wha-' Rory began.

'Right,' The Doctor said, determined to nip Rory's inevitable rambling realisation process in the bud. 'This is my adventure and I want to know what is going on right-'

'Oh please do be quiet, me,' the stranger gestured dismissively at the Doctor in a very _Doctory_ way. 'This is my TARDIS, so fingers on lips!'

Amy giggled. 'He _is_ you! Oh my God.'

'Quiet, please!' The new Doctor shouted. Amy folded her arms and scowled. The new Doctor continued, 'Nobody is listening to me, and that is silly because I am the one who is going to explain everything. You ought to relax, and take a custard cream.' He deposited a cream-coloured biscuit barrel into Rory's hands.

'Now,' he said, as he began to pace around the unusually bright console room. 'Oh _dear_. Where _should _I begin...'

He clasped his hands together, and began at the beginning.

'Zoë and Jamie were at home celebrating Christmas, and I was in the TARDIS celebrating a good result I had had whilst fixing a particularly problematic problem with the console here.' He patted it lovingly. 'The TARDIS and I travelled to a planet where I met an Unguian Inlien, who had been injured in war. He was very pleased to see me, and I mean _very_ pleased… somehow he knew me, although we had never met - not in my past at least! More specifically, he seemed to know of my TARDIS. I… we… are part of a legend of the Inliens of Ungui, as we are parts of legends on many planets, the power of the Time Lords being one…'

'Yes, yes, the Time Lords are fantastic, please feel free to _get on with it_,' the Doctor said huffily, still miffed about being told to shut up, by himself. _Ah_, he thought to himself. _This is Ungui! No wonder I didn't recognise it, it feels nothing like Ungui._ He whipped out his sonic screwdriver.

'Yes, yes,' the shorter Doctor continued. 'The Inlien – Zahghen is his name - told me that his planet had been invaded by another race, and that Unguian legend said that I was to be the one who would provide the coming of the New Age… namely, the return of the planet to its rightful inhabitants. So, when I - of course - came here to see this planet – Ungui - for myself, as I am wont to do as a traveller of time and space, I found the Inliens. They had unfortunately already been defeated and the small remaining numbers of them were hiding in the caves. So, saddened by their plight, I helped them in their final effort to achieve peace with the invaders. I found out that the town hall is something to do with the time loop and the other goings-on-'

'So you decided to help the Inliens blow up the town hall with a bomb on a train?' She looked over to the recent incarnation of the Doctor, who had not yet heard about this. He looked up only briefly before continuing to scan the console with his sonic screwdriver and absent-mindedly munch on a custard cream.

'No-no, the Inliens had already planted the bomb on the train which they had timed to detonate when it reached the town hall station. I, of course, didn't think this approach was wise. It would not only cause a lot of destruction to this planet, but it could cause an unlimited, rapid expansion of the time loop and affect this entire planet system, if not the _universe_. So, I disguised myself as an invader and boarded the train from outside the town, but before I could make any sort of plan to try to stop it reaching its destination I was captured by the invaders. They're not very nice people.'

'Aye, we met them,' Amy said. 'They're a bunch of cowboys. So,' she hopped up and sat on the console, 'You went and just like, got on board an atomic train, without any idea of a plan?' She smiled. 'You _must_ be the Doctor.'

'Yes, well,' he smiled back at her, with just a hint of pride, 'of course it all went rather pleasantly, being captured. Until they took it upon themselves to tie me to the track further down the line, which is where you and your companion found and rescued me Amy, thank you both very much. I have no idea why the time loop shifted when I was left on the track, but it did, and somehow its boundary stopped the train exactly before it was due to squash me flat! Which leads us to our current problem. The fact that it shifted _then_ is too much of a coincidence, which means that the time loop must have been created, or at least altered, deliberately. So, now I need to use the TARDIS to see just what, or who, is creating these temporal anomalies!'

The version of the Doctor Amy already knew interrupted then, with a loud, 'Er, yes,' and he put away his sonic screwdriver. 'Amy, Rory, me, I would like to take this opportunity to inform you that I've already done that.' He folded his arms and looked at the others, grinning, and eagerly waiting for them to ask for the answer.


	22. Chapter 22

"It's all quite simple for me," The older of the Time Lords began, "As todays events unfold I'm slowly unlocking memories which were locked away in the head of my previous self here."

He waved an arm towards himself casually, feeling the need to point out the subject among the two other passengers who surrounded him. One hand rose and sank into his hair, ruffling it to and fro as he thought to himself.

"Now, that means that either I'm the target, and they've wiped his memory to put me at a disadvantage, or you're the target," The doctor repeated his previous gesture, "And they're attacking you to get rid of us both at once."

"Oh well I'm glad it's so simple, now will you answer my actual question or are you going to carry on your little tangent?" Amy asked impatiently.

"Have we not worked it out yet Ponds? The tales of my... our importance? The time lord technology seeping through this town? I'd have felt it was obvious who has gathered us here."

"Well get on with it Doctor." Two said hastily, only there's nothing stopping that train any more."

"Inliens."

The squat woman burst through the door of her shop, removing her jokers card and waving it frantically in front of the secret passage, she dissapeared into the darkness and emerged in the cavern from before.

"He knows the truth?" The gramophone asked ominously.

"He... He knows something, of that I am sure." The woman replied, gulping in large breaths of air whenever she could.

"How is this a possibility toymaker?"

"He saw the card, the joker card, I TOLD YOU-"

"Silence!"

The voice carried around the room, echoing off of the caverns walls and into the tunnel which the woman had used only moments before.

"You should not raise your voice to me. I created you, as I created this entire village. The cowboys, the tavern, the railway- all my work. I could take it all away whenever I wish female. Give me lights!"

Flames erupted around the room, eradicating the darkness which had once smothered the throne. Sat upon its red cushioned suface, the Inlien who had apparently been injured in war smiled fondly towards his creation.

"Hello there."

"But you're... you're one of them! We fought against you!"

"Only because it's part of your programming. We needed some form of target practice, it gets rather boring waiting around for thousands of years."

"Explain yourself Inlien!" The squat woman exclaimed angrily.

"You will have to be patient woman. This is a rather complex tale, of which there are many branching arcs I need to explain. I bid you be quiet!"

Raising his arm casually, the creation's mouth sealed closed, refusing to open as much as she attempted to reply.

"I was brought up on stories of a blue box and its owner. The man who could save our people from darkness and set us free from invaders. I was gullable, and spent many years believing these fairy tales and happy-ever-afters. But it was a few hundred years ago that I saw the truth, I spend days on end studying the cave drawing which stand behind me."

The flames which lit the cavern around the pair spread behind the throne, revealing the entire length of the room behind them. The further the fire spread, the more cave drawings could be identified from the darkness, until the light blended with the cavern's entrance in the distance, through which the Doctor had entered hours before.

"The elders of my people read these etchings wrong. The Doctor didn't come and save us from invaders. The invaders came and saved us from the Doctor. I just took the liberty of creating those invaders early, and set an elaborate trap for the Doctor. This entire area is under my control, anything that you, toymaker, have created, can be used by me to control time. Physics and time are conjoined here, if my trap fails on a smaller scale then it would prove to be unsuccessful in the larger world. Whenever this happens, however, time reverses itself very slightly, repeating this moment until something instigates a change of events."

The Inlien descended from his throne.

"Admittedly there have been failures, such as the train proving unable to run over the scum it was aiming towards, but my plan is about to prove successful. The train will collide with the town hall, causing an explosion which will rip through every atom of this planet."

He had now reached the squat woman, who stood quivering under his stern gaze. He lifted and arm and pressed it to her forehead.

"I now have everything I need. You are no longer an essential."

A spark flew from his forefinger, sending the creation flying along the cavern floor and to rest at the wall. The Inlien left his creation resting against the rock and exited the cavern out of the cave entrance. As the flames subsided and darkness once again closed upon the cave, the lights of the woman's eyes died with them, the last remnants of life exiting her artificial body, never to return.


End file.
